Josh and I sat on the couch watching Criminal Minds. Neither of us could tell you about the plotline of that episode. I chugged water until I felt there was enough in my bladder to take the pregnancy test. I read the instructions in the bathroom while hearing Josh pace from the living room to the dining room to the kitchen and back. I thought of all the shows and movies I'd seen where a pregnancy test was taken. The seconds ticked by slowly as I stared at the plastic stick.
I never desired to be a mother. We were on a "no kid plan". We weren't even sure my body could create a human due to a slue of reproductive issues in my mid-20s. We were content to be Aunt TeeTee and Uncle Josh and save enough money to one day afford a house on Lake Michigan by not having kids.
But, as it turns out, they were correct in health class about how babies are made. Unknowing to us, we had followed the recipe perfectly and two little pink lines slowly appeared. Josie Pearl was the size of a poppy seed when we found out she was growing inside me.
I took a video of telling Josh the news. We laugh and then I switched the camera off and immediately started crying. "I don't know how to do this." Not two minutes after telling my partner the biggest life-changing news, I was on Google. "What to do when you find out you're pregnant."
Here is the non-definitive list of advice I received from my very first (of thousands) Google search.
Find an OB. (My sister-in-law gave birth to my perfect nephew two years previous. I'll call hers.)
Stop drinking, smoking, doing drugs. (Not too hard. Wait. You mean I can't have a margarita all summer?!)
Stop eating basically anything you like because you are growing a human now and if you eat only Little Caesars crazy bread and Slurpees you must hate your child.
Take a class on car seats, breastfeeding, labor, CPR, first aid, free range parenting, helicopter parenting, creating a homestead, and what to do when the inevitable apocalypse happens.
Definitely do not tell anyone until after your first trimester (What's a trimester?)
Do not listen to society that tells you to wait to tell people. Tell the world! This is something to celebrate!
Prepare to have a small, helpless human eat from your body roughly 17 times a day for the next two years. You know, if you love them.
Girl, you do you. Formula gives so much freedom! But probably start buying formula now and maybe rob a bank to be able to afford it.
The changes of miscarriage are super high this early. Please carry this bit of information around like a little bomb in your waistband.
And last, but certainly not least, be happy. This is the best and most exciting news you'll ever receive. (If that is so, why am I crying so much?)
All of this "advice" was found in less than five minutes. Josh took my phone away and I cried some more. I don't know how to be pregnant. I don't know how to be a mom. I don't want to give up margaritas! I was terrified and partly in denial. I apologized to Josh over and over again. He apologized to me too. Weeks later, we decided it was probably not healthy to keep saying sorry to each other. It's just that this was not the plan.
When I called the OB office, I immediately burst into tears. Again. I was so hysterical that the woman delicately asked if I was interested in terminating the pregnancy. At our 12 week appointment, the nurse asked if we had any questions. I had only one. "How do I know there is actually baby in there?" She asked if I took a pregnancy test, if I'd missed my period, and if I was feeling a handful of symptoms. The answer to all of these was yes so she said "congrats, there's a real live baby in there." And to the surprise of absolutely no one at this point, I cried as soon as we got to the car.
We decided to take a video of telling all our family and friends. Their excitement is what helped us feel better about this giant accident. I expected people to be happy for us. I never expected them to scream "shut up", cry actual tears, swear in surprise, hug us so long and hard. They believed what we didn't yet. They told us we would be good parents. They told us we could do this. They snuggled me and rubbed my belly and prayed over me. They brought over Little Caesars crazy bread and Slurpees. And they affirmed that it was okay to be scared.
Finding out that you or your partner is pregnant can be terrifying, joy filled, thrilling, and heartbreaking all at the same time. And this is okay. I really needed someone to tell me that. There is no "right" way to feel. You might not feel ready. I know we weren't. But we did it anyway.
